The Fire that Birthed You

79

2007-05-19T03:26:14Z

He is doing alright, he is still here.

He ate well, and they talked. He feels the loss now, but he'll get through it. He's stronger.

Sometimes he thinks about giving you a second chance. And sometimes that thought passes quickly. Sometimes it lingers for a while and then fizzles out.

Everything seems fuzzy lately.

78

2007-04-28T03:40:34Z

He:

He is crazy.

He is staring at the ceiling again.

He is not understanding why he feels so upset.

He had a good time the other night. Was it last night?

He feels these moments are fleeting.

He misses you.

He thinks he's trying to find a replacement for you.

He hates to think that his heart longs for you.

He thinks that maybe this runs in the family.

He thinks that maybe there's no way to escape it.

He thinks he's turning out a lot like him.

He thinks that would upset a few people.

He thinks he needs to be comforted.

He needs a moment to not think.

He needs a moment to spend in your arms.

He needs to visit you again.

He thinks he needs to go to that place he swore he would never go again. That place that he never really stayed at to begin with, that place that he wanted to run so far away from and never look back to.

He thinks he needs to go back there.

He needs to feel the realness of that again.

He needs to feel you under him, over him, and all around him.

He still wants to be your he.

He feels he still belongs to you, even though you don't fit on this plane of existence anymore.

77

2007-04-15T19:03:49Z

He hit another bump in the road. Maybe it was a hole; it dragged him down, down, down.

There's no reason for it, there was no reason for it. He just woke up his face covered in tears and his body aching.

He doesn't remember what happened in his sleep any more. He doesn't remember. He just wakes up with his heart aching.

He's tired again. He wants his uncle. He wants his Baachan. He wants someone to curl into.

76

2007-04-10T05:20:22Z

He had a dream about you last night. You stood there with your hand held out to him and he hesitated to take it.

He misses you more than he expresses, he tries to not talk about you, to not think about you. He's never been really superstitious, but he thinks you might be mad at him for it. He doesn't want you to think that he's forgotten about you. He hasn't, but he just can't be sad all the time. You seemed upset by that. You seemed like you wanted him with you.

Were you upset that he wasn't ready to join you? Would you want that for him? You never seemed to want that for anyone.

Or is it just his time?

You wouldn't do that to him. He knows you. You loved him too. You'd want him to be happy. right?

75

2007-04-04T18:15:27Z

"It doesn't matter what you are, all that matters is who you are."

He took such comfort in that. He knows you were half asleep, he shouldn't have woke you, but he needed that comfort. His day, it was okay, but one blow took it all away. One harsh word and everything seemed to fade away. He knew he'd been caught and he feared the repercussion's of his action.

People here are more understanding. But sometimes they're just not there yet.

He's glad that you understand. He's glad that you're supportive.

He's sorry that he has to fight you so hard over this. He doesn't want it to be this way, but he has to stick up for what he believes in, just like you do.

74

2007-03-30T16:41:19Z

He asked him, for a switch. A change of pronouns and a new identity. He thought it'd be easy, he didn't expect to lose it so easily.

He wanted you to go back to your other him. He thought it would be better for you. But you stuck by him. You told him it would be okay. And he trusted you.

He still does. You've given him no reason not to.

He bought some clothes with his allowance. He likes them, they're strange. It's good to not have to wear something you don't want to wear.

People around here are more understanding. He appreciates it.

73

2007-03-23T06:24:13Z

He's too open when it comes to talking to new people. He hopes he didn't scare him or put him off. He's a nervous talker sometimes.

He found it. The perfect name. The new start. He found the first step.

kaida_x_ko

Check it out yo.

He wishes Satoshi and Ryo would behave. He can't figure out what to do. Maybe he'll just go with Bou and Kanon.

Hey you, He misses you. You two should cook together again. He misses it. He misses teasing you and your man.

hey Ohioans. Want to help him with a layout? Give him your pictures and he'll chose the best for a layout. ♥

72

2007-03-22T03:57:07Z

His G is sticking. How annoying.

He figured since he's up, he might as well post. Everything seems calm for now. Today was a good day.

71

2007-03-21T07:52:01Z

He should have been asleep, but it was time to move forward.

becoming_ryuji

70

2007-03-21T03:20:25Z

After much killing of Nazi's he finally stopped when his uncle returned home from work or whatever he was doing. He had picked up a movie on the way home. The Return. "What's this about?" ... "Sarah Michelle Geller and Texas." The sat and watched it together. No real plot to the movie they ended up talking through it and laughing at the lack of anything being related to anything. That's when he told him. He made him so happy he could almost cry. He'd never have to go to school again. He cares so much that he would do that for him.

There's more of a reason for this, there's so much more than just not being picked on again. He'd get his education, he'd still learn what he needs to learn, but he'd never have to set foot inside the halls of that building again, and that thought nearly threw him into shock.

I thought it through, and if you do decide to go through with _thisthis_transition it would be much easier if you were at home with people who understand.

No one has ever understood. He's never felt like anyone would go through so much just to help him and just to make sure he was okay and he got everything that he wanted, everything he needed.

He never thought that when he does go through with it, because he will go through with it, that he would have people to support him, and even help him.

He's so much happier now than he ever thought he could be.

69

2007-03-20T17:52:15Z

He's feeling better now. He still doesn't have to go to school, and he's loving every second of it. He slept in far later than he should have and played video games with Ru Ru for a while. Ru Ru kicked his ass, but it's only a one time thing. He'll get him soon enough. He swears to it, you're going down Ru Ru. »(⌒∀⌒)«

Now he's bored. Ru Ru had to go to work and his uncle is out somewhere. Hopefully at the store? His medication is running low again. Did he even tell his uncle? _{He forgets.}

He's going to go kill some Nazi's now.

"You'd think someone who's narcoleptic wouldn't come down with exhaustion."
"Exhaustion is much more than just being tired kid.

hah.

68

2007-03-15T19:21:01Z

His uncle threw the phone across the room and then chased after it. He wishes he had been there to see it. It apparently hit his co worker on the head. Hilarity's aside, they know what's wrong with him. Apparently a bad case of food poisoning turned to dehydration turned to a bad case of exhaustion. It's nice to know what's wrong. It's even nicer to know that he doesn't have to go to school for the next week.

Somethings look up now and then.

Thank you.

67

2007-03-15T18:11:56Z

He wakes up and feels tired enough to go back to sleep right away. But he lays in bed and just stares above him waiting for sleep to come. He's feeling better today, but sitting up and trying to check his mail, and keep up on friends, it's hard. his head feels heavy again. There was a point in time where he felt better. He felt energized, but that has quickly passed. Still no news from the doctors or his uncle.

Come back soon Jiisan. You are greatly missed.

66

2007-03-15T04:07:04Z

Three in a row. One question here, a few there. He's failing again but he just couldn't help it. It was hard just to hold a pencil.

Ru-ru tucked him and stayed with him. It was comforting to not be alone. He's felt so lonely since he's become sick. But he can't be mad, watching someone sleep isn't very entertaining. He noticed being cold and he noticed the lack of body. He also noticed the kisses and the petting and the nuzzling. His head feels like a weight on his neck. A strange sensation. He wonders if this is what Gene feels like when he moves his head around.

He's not going tomorrow, you can't make him. Ru-ru already said he'd call him off. It's just not worth it now. There's no need to keep pushing. He needs rest, he needs to get healthy again.

He wonders if when the information comes they'll give it to Ru-ru. Or if they'll call his uncle. He hopes for their sake that they don't wake him up. Time zones can get you like that. He's not mad at his uncle for not being here, he understands. And he hopes everyone else does.

He maybe moving again. Japan has entered back into the equation. His family is a bunch of nomads.

65

2007-03-14T04:53:23Z

He went to the doctor...

"What's wrong with me?"
"What is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me?"

You're uncle's dead. And you're following suit.

That's what he heard. That's not what happened. Not at all.

Four vials they took. Leaked from his arm and stored someplace out of sight. And they still don't know what could be wrong with him. He comes home and collapses. Falls to the floor and prays to be moved to a bed. He clung to you and cried the other day. You had to leave again, but he didn't want to let go. He's scared when you're not here. Especially when he feels so weak. Get up, go to school, come home, pass out, get up, do homework, pass out... do it again tomorrow.

3 ways to pressure you into vomiting. 3 ways right in a row. Tatsuya you're wrong again.

he said it, there, now you know.

Perhaps he'll take you up on that offer. He won't mess it up, but he misses you and it smells like comfort and home.

64

2007-03-08T01:45:17Z

It's been a long time ne? He's still sick. He went to school and vomited there. He has no idea what's wrong with him. No one does, but he's kind of at a stand still.

He doesn't know what to write anymore. He feels very alone right now.

The girls, they found him again. they chased him around the school yard again.

If only they knew. hah.

His stomach, it hurts again.

63

2007-03-01T21:23:55Z

He stayed home today. He slept blissfully until late afternoon. He still is feeling ill, but at least he can move.

Three in the morning he joined his uncle and his woman in bed. Not awkward in the least. They were one happy little family. He needed that feeling. It's been abscent too often. Sometimes it's okay to be childish.

He wants to go do something, but he knows that too much activity could harm him. He couldn't take his medication this morning, so today is pretty much a bust. He's feeling it right now.

Paranoia.

62

2007-03-01T04:42:01Z

He spent some time tonight emptying the contents of his stomach. He came down with a sudden illness after dinner, and has been vomiting since. A pretty picture sure. Perhaps it will get him a free day tomorrow, perhaps he was going to take one anyway.

California was great. They didn't stay long, they weren't going to anyway, but just reconfirmation. They went to the beach, someplace he'd not been to in a long time. He had forgotten how fun it is to be in california. There was a promise to go back. He likes that you stay true to your promises.

He's suddenly turned on. sometimes he can't help but be a pervert.

61

2007-02-27T21:20:02Z

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
and bury me
in all my favorite colors,
my sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
cause the hardest part of this,
is leaving you.

Now turn away,
cause I'm awful just to see
cause all my hair's abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
but counting down the days to go.

It just ain't living
And I just hope you know
That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you...

Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you...

For you, how fitting. He remembered the day he thinks. He remembers the hour. 4:17 PM. But the day, Had he just sturned 13? It was that month wasn't it? He was never really good at remembering dates.

60

2007-02-25T04:18:44Z

My uncle is awesome.

that is all.

59

2007-02-25T03:16:37Z

He feels really sick. They went out, and he felt like throwing up on the side of the road. They both did. It was a bonding experience even though it never happened.

Out of everything that's happened, he's happy to have his uncle back. They're leaving for California tomorrow, just for a short trip. They'll rollerblade by the beach in hot pants talking to each other on their cell phones and eat icecream at the same time. Maybe they'll pick up a small dog or two to walk with them. Because that's what people do in california apparently.

They spent some fun time talking in the car on the way home from the resturant. They talked about eating glass and having tuberculosis. About projectile vomiting, and other antics of being young.

They'll drink tea and watch the grudge two later. Stange, but everything feels all right. A sort of balance now.

If only his stomach would calm down some more.

His ~~mommy~~ got him a new stud for his eyebrow. It's wonderful and green, he likes it a lot. hah.

"Where's the hair dryer?"
"In that room, in the drawer next to the toilet."
"In the bathroom?"
"The drawer next to the toilet, toilets are usually in the bathroom."

haha. son of a bitch.

58

2007-02-24T23:19:19Z

He's still shaken by what's going on. He's still frightened by what he said, what he admitted. He doesn't want anyone to know, he wasn't ready to say it, but it still had to be said.

He wants to curl up and just be with someone. Things aren't the way they should be anymore. He feels flipped upside down. Like someone's holding his ankles and shaking him for every emotion he has.

He thinks they might break up. ~~10 years is too much of a difference, it's too socially unacceptable.~~ But he loves him. He loved him right? He said it didn't he? But it's to hard now isn't it? What's the point of loving someone who doesn't believe in love right?

Something is going to change, maybe he'll change layouts, maybe journals, maybe names, maybe living space, computer, hair, clothes, body, mind, something, anything. Something is going to change. Somethings, will change. They will. He'll make sure of it.

His stomach is still tied in knots. He still feels like he's going to throw up. Of all things... of all things.

57

2007-02-22T04:36:22Z

He's not him anymore. He's doesn't want to be. He won't be him anymore. It scares him to think of everyone else. He doesn't want to think about them, or what they think. He passed the other day and that's all that matters right? A switch of pronouns may take place soon. verbs, adjectives, nouns, pronouns. All jumbled and switched around. Who knows which way will be up. Who knows what will be right or wrong.

If you're upset over him then tell him why. He can't take much more of this. You're the last good thing in his life right this second. Don't lose him, don't let him lose you yet. Wait a while, wait until next month when he can handle it better. Wait until death doesn't float in the recesses of his mind. Not his own. No. Don't think that, it's not his he's focused on. It's hers. not hers but hers. He's afraid of it. She seemed weaker the last time they met. He doesn't want to tell him though. He probably shouldn't worry. She's still strong right? Perhaps it was just the timing.

He helped him to feel better. Cleared the dirt off of his face, stroked his hair and helped him to calm down. He was a doll again for those few minutes. He was perfect and porcelain. He was calm and collected. He reminded himself of Gene. blissfully naive. It's nice that there's still someone to run to when his uncle can't be around. He misses his uncle when he has to go away. Hopefully he'll be back soon. He needs some tea.

He's missing the love. He wants you all to comment...　「＃＿＃」

56

2007-02-19T19:58:37Z

He's back early. He would have liked to have stayed longer. Disrespectful? right. You're the one being disrespectful ne? She was your mother ne? Don't be mad at him because she liked him and you didn't like her ne? She's not here anymore anyway. You've always been the spoiled child haven't you? You wanted your way and when you didn't get it you acted out. Aren't you supposed to be the adult now? Pick yourself up, because he already has. He's going to protect him. From you, from anyone, from all the pain that the two of you have caused him. He's going to survive because He fucking cares.

His face hurts.

He's glad to be home though.

55

2007-02-15T16:52:57Z

"So what is it that we have?"
"A good thing."
"Yeah? But what's that?"
"You know, sometimes You're really annoying.But[...]I love you."

You looked him in the eyes and said that. You don't love anyone. You don't believe in love. But you said it to him. It wasn't passing. It wasn't fleeting, it was honest, sincere, true.

He's scared. He leaves on Saturday and he's scared. But not of flying, not of saying goodbye, of something different. Something completely different.